“All my life I’ve wanted to be a mom. When I was 10 years old, I proudly declared I’d one day have 12 kids. I dreamt of having babies to raise and love. I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up, career-wise… But I always knew I wanted to be a mom.
The first time I took a pregnancy test, I was living in an apartment with 4 friends. We were young, wild, and living our best life. I sat in my bathroom staring at a digital pregnancy test. A little hourglass flashed on the screen indicating the test was working and would soon display either ‘pregnant’ or ‘not pregnant.’ My face was flush and my heart raced with anticipation. ‘Pregnant’ – there it was. I wasn’t ready. I was too young, I was having too much fun. I had always wanted to be a mom, but not yet! Not like this.
As the shock wore off and I began to tell those closest to me about my pregnancy, my excitement grew. My boyfriend was over the moon excited to become a dad. His parents and mine did not want to kill us, they were actually excited about a new grand-baby on the way. This was both surprising and exciting. A baby. My baby. Wow!
I immediately started researching and learning about early pregnancy. Joining online pregnancy forums (this was 2008, before Facebook groups were a thing – we had BabyGaga). I wanted to learn everything I could about this baby growing inside of me. How big is it? What can I look forward to as it grows? I did everything in my power to protect the life I was now growing. I took my prenatal vitamins, made sure to drink enough water and get enough sleep. I was so excited to see my baby at my first ultrasound. I studied other women’s ultrasound pictures to learn what to look for. I felt butterflies, big fluttering butterflies, as I laid back on the table in my OBGYN’s office. I stared intently at the ultrasound screen next to me, hoping I would recognize what I would see from the pictures I had been studying. There was a sac on the screen confirming, once again, I was pregnant. The doctor pointed to a small circle inside the sac, the ‘yolk sac.’ This is what gives the baby nutrients in early development. There was no baby yet, likely too early to see on an ultrasound. I would come back in two weeks and by then, we should be able to see the baby and hear its precious heartbeat.
My next ultrasound came, this was it, I was going to see my baby for the first time. Again, I stared intently at the ultrasound screen. The doctor was so quiet. This was the first moment I felt something was wrong. Still no baby, still no heartbeat. I had 2 additional ultrasounds spaced two weeks apart, hoping each time to hear that heartbeat. Giving myself hope every visit, that this would be the one. I never gave up hope until my final ultrasound… I would never hear that heartbeat. I should have been 11 weeks along at that point. All hope was gone. My doctor called it a ‘blighted ovum.’ Something was likely chromosomally wrong with the fertilized egg that should have grown into my baby. He said this happens to many, many women. I clung to his words, ‘it’s not your fault, there’s nothing you could have done to cause or prevent this.’ I needed to know that, because all I could do was blame myself. That blame nearly broke me.
I had to schedule an outpatient surgery to remove the pregnancy from my body. I lost the baby I never had. It felt like a piece of my heart had been removed during that surgery. I felt incomplete. I was supposed to become a mom. I was pregnant. How could I not be having a baby after I became so excited about it? After I have already told most everyone I know that I’m having a baby? I had all of these plans and dreams for this baby. But all I was left with was grief and pain. I was grieving a life that never was.
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